Another fall arrived, one month is down two more to go……….Fall seasons, they always held a change or a new start but things always went in a smooth way, getting back to routine or starting a new routine but it never brought agitation or anything similar whatsoever.
But this year, fall was very different for me. Many things to handle on different levels, many emotions experienced in a small period of time, life is happening with a strong momentum, and it’s continuing on the same pace.
Pressure, lots of pressure that’s how things at work are….I was waiting for the end of summer to finish with the tasks requiring a huge amount of time and effort, and a lot of traveling and mobility. But I landed on working on multidisciplinary tasks, juggling with three or four types of work at one time each requiring a different set of skills and a different type of technical background, deadlines to meet, phones ringing all the time, too many people to follow up with….it’s crazy.

Anyway, I always managed to cope with this type of pressure, a little bit of concentration added to a good sense of time management and it’ll pass as needed and expected; but I don’t know how while too many things are happening at work in a way to make me forget having lunch, there was space for too many things to happen inside me, I've always been distracted by what I do but this time I'm not.
It’s was an email: “we want you to be among us next year”…tempting, very tempting. It means a move to another country on another continent. And I can’t help thinking about it, trying to weigh it right; it’s something that I need for sure, but it means putting an end to a career path that I started beautifully the last couple of years and moving to the unknown and it comes at a cost too…. Although this unknown is promising, and I’m sure that I can make it very promising but who knows what the future might hold; but then I say to myself I’ll take the risk, it’s the only way to keep moving forward, soon enough it will be boring to stay in a place that lacks excitement, I need the joy of innovation on a larger scale…but no one can possibly know only time will reveal what lies ahead.
Moving to another level….Home sick? Not exactly, I get over it two days after leaving Lebanon. It’s more about things you want to do and require you to be physically present at a different place. It's about distances that you feel adding up millimeter by millimeter to keep you away, yes away from where you want to be at this exact time; away from where you should be to have a chance on making things happen the way you want. It’s that annoying sense of losing control on life or of not having control on life in the first place, and it’s not life in general that I’m talking about but it’s those tiny things that make a difference for you only and if you can’t control them what can you control then?
Sometimes when things start to build up inside you they make you feel your blood rush through your veins, and the more you feel this rush the more it reminds you of what caused it in the first place…. Having a passion is something nice but not for something that appears just like a mirage and is totally out of reach……the world is becoming too little but we remain too little in this world that keeps playing its distances and timing games on us, taking us physically to one place, and taking what’s inside us away to another place.....but it’s ok let it be as it is, I believe there’s a way to win any game and I’ll find a way to win this game even though currently I remain away.


poshlemon said…
Beautiful insightful reflections.

This year has been strange for me. This year of 2007/2008 and I've been wanting to write about it but it's too overwhelming, I usually scare away.

I know what you mean about home and distance and the little things that could make a difference. Unfortunately we can't have everything we want. And as much as I hate this saying, it's true.

I think you should take the offer if it's good and if it respects your achievements and your credentials. But I hope it's not back in Lebanon cause you know there's nothing in Lebanon!
Rany said…

Thank you for your kind words. :)
I think you should write, beautiful things always came out when you wrote, especially the last three months.

You're totally right we can't have everything we want, it's true. But not all things are the same, it's not always about quantities and the need to have all the things that we want, I believe that there are things that are not to be missed, you can't just let them pass just like that when life pops them up in front of you, you have to try to grab them and hold on to them... Things like a friendship with a person, the type of persons you don't meet every day, or to be more correct you don't meet every year....Or it could be some unusual step on the professional level that is rarely available... things of this nature and they are not many.... Anyway I'll see what time will reveal.

No it's not back in Lebanon it's on another continent, and yeah unfortunately there's nothing in Lebanon...I don't want it to be a luxurious hotel for me to return back as some idiot politicians argue when they talk about the young generations, but I will not return to a place that is a cemetery for the dreams and potentials of its young people.
ella said…
i wish u the best in whatever decision u make rany. go for it and grab it!
Rany said…
Thank you ella for your encouragement and wishes, and yeah I guess I'll go for it and grab it. :)

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